Sunday, April 30, 2006
Ayatollah for a Day
If I were Ayatollah for a day, I would immediately:
If you really, really liked this -- or even really, really hated it -- there's lots more:
- outlaw any amputation of thieves' hands in public places at least until after ten in the morning, if not eleven thirty -- it's so hard to sleep late with all the screaming.
- publicly revoke the Fatwa on Salman Rushdie, announcing that it was all a mistake and that peaceful Islam has no problem with the free expression of his ideas. And I'd invite him to Teheran to collect a big prize -- seriously! It would work. You've never heard of taqiya?
- clarify that laws allegedly penned by a previous ayatollah -- laws that, among other things, forbid one from consuming a goat after having had sex with it -- are obviously the forged products of a conspiracy to make Iranian Islamic leaders look insane and are therefore from now on null and void. Hey, shepherds have to eat too, and Islam is nothing if not merciful.
- declare it a religious duty for all religious Muslims to collect any and all radioactive materials they can get their hands on -- dental x-rays, airport security scanners, freshman physics lab samples, Kevin Federline rap CDs, whatever -- and undertake a new pilgrimmage to the holy city of Teheran, carrying these sacred materials concealed in hollow fake Korans -- and remember to howl if intolerant American security personnel try to search them just because their little boxes start clicking.
- send thank you notes, flowers, and a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne to ElBaradei and assorted international diplomats.
- advise Ahmadinejad to stop trying to straddle the fence with occasional near-sane remarks -- we want actual foam on his lips at all future press conferences.
- put in place an edict forbidding the use of any technology more recent than the 8th century, unless it is to be used for destroying post-8th century or non-Islamic pre-8th century cultures.
- issue a global fatwa against blogs -- those things are such a pain in the holy tuchus, and Khomeini never had to deal with such things.
- gather all of the military inventors and engineers responsible for our recent spate of superweapons -- weapons beyond even the capabilities of the Super-Sized Satan, like super speedy torpedoes, stupendously stealthy missiles and even a radar evading super-modern flying boat -- and send them abroad for further intensive and advanced study at the Wile E. Coyote School of Military Hardware and Foolproof Deadly Devices.
- in view of the drastic restructuring the world's military-industrial food chain is likely to undergo in the wake of massive Wile E. Coyote training of Iranian personnel, I would also liquidate all national assets and have our brokers move us fully into Acme Corporation stocks.
