AbbaGav

I made the mistake over Shabbat of reading the newspaper, and now I'm so depressed that I'm reluctant to post anything for fear of bumming everybody out, majorly.

So rather than post anything myself, I thought I'd bring in a guest blogger to keep things moving around here. Does anyone still remember the ultra-famous Dr. Jack Badofsky?


About 20 years ago Dr. Badofsky made some ground-breaking appearances on one of America's most respected news programs -- SNL's Weekend Update, no less -- in which he described numerous cutting-edge diseases he'd personally discovered and named:

Dr. Jack Badofsky: A- A- A lot of doctors are telling you how dangerous the summer sun's rays can be. So here's my summer tip: watch out for creatures that are foaming at the mouth. That's right. Summer is a prime time for abdivorus, commonly known as rabies.

[holds up a stack of cards, which he reveals one at a time]


"Rabies." But I doubt that you are aware of the many strains of rabies that you can fall victim to. For example:

• Should you be bitten by an ownerless dog, that's "Straybies."
  
• And a foaming French poodle can give you "Qu'est-ce Que-C'estbies."
  [...]
  
• a crazed reindeer can inflict "Sleighbies,"
  
• a spider bite can lead to "Curds- and-Wheybies,"
  
• and a demented gorilla's a potential killer with "Fay- Wraybies."
  
• A grandmother frothing at the mouth can inflict "Crochetbies,"
  
• and being bitten by a stuttering bigot can lead to "K-K-K-bies."
  
• Getting bitten by Elmer Fudd can give you a real painful case of "Waybies,"
  [...]
  
• A bite by a wry humorist can give you "Carawaybies." [more groans] That's a wry humorist...OK.
  
• Being bitten by a rabid rabbi can get you "Oy-Veybies," [applause]
  
• and if your leg gets chomped on by a crazy poet, that's "Edna-St.-Vincent- Milaybies."
  
• And "Paraguaybies" is what you get if you're bitten by two mad Latin American homosexuals.
  [...]

Well, Dr. Badofsky has finally emerged from seclusion after two decades of intensive retraining for a fabulous career as a Hollywood movie mogul, and he has requested the opportunity to appear here in order to advance his first Hollywood business venture. Doctor, the microphone is yours.

Dr. Jack Badofsky, Esq: Thank you very much Abba-ba-ba-Gav. For many decades, if you wanted to see a film that was like real life, only more so, you came to "Hollywood."

Then the muckity-mucks in Bombay got into the act so that if you wanted your entertainment to show authentic real life, but with unpredictable outbursts of singing and dancing thrown in, you would go to "Bollywood."

Recently, I've been seeing some even newer variations on the styles of real life that are presented to us on film. For instance, if you like to watch film that appears real, except that Palestinians are always victims of baseless and wanton Israeli aggression, you would enjoy "Pallywood."

Even more recently, if your tastes run to things like men in green helmets and your prefer your reality retouched, you should probably give "Hezbollywood" a try.

But there are so many more versions of reality to film, and I'm sure at least one or two will someday find a paying audience. So I am hereby legally claiming ownership of every possible future variation on the Hollywood theme in the hopes that I will eventually be able to afford a steak dinner at Denny's by suing someone:

• If you prefer your plots with just a single explanation for everything, no matter how complicated, unlikely and hateful that might be, then "Jews-Behind-It-All-ywood" is for you.
  
• Films for people who prefer protagonists who spout hybrid mob/Zen philosophy while wearing butt-kicking pony-tails -- even if they're now a bit too blimped up for foot to quite reach butt anymore -- such films are still being made in "Steven-Seagallywood"
  
• You can find heart-stopping diplomatic thrillers in which the bad guys have their way, over and over and over again as the LED inexorably ticks down if you check out the revolutionary, Iranian-government-subsidized film movement, "Negotiate-And-Stallywood"
  
• Cartoons that could comfortably precede those Iranian flicks are being produced in "Ted-Rallywood"
  
• "Y'allywood" is for people who want movies that appeal directly to everyone in the audience as a grammatical unit to all come back y'hear...
  
• For avante-garde action movies that break the formulas by omitting the first act in which the hero's family is kidnapped -- showing only the "hero's" rescue and revenge in a startlingly negative new light -- check out "Nasrallywood"
  
• And for film historians who want to know more about the body of work that inspired and trained the Nasrallywood school, "Fadlallahlywood" is worth a look.
  
• Of course if you subscribe to the view that everything would be all right in the world if Israel were simply sacrificed to buy peace for everyone else, so we could all go back to watching American Idol without those annoying Breaking News interruptions from the Middle East, you would probably enjoy "Trahlahlahlywood"
  
• "Bathroom-Stallywood" is the school of film-making that focuses on George Michael arrest videos.
  
• When you're convinced that there are simply no new ideas anymore, and are just tired of the whole Hollywood thing, give it one last shot with the Porky Pig-focused cinema of "Th-th-that'sAllywood"

If the situation should arise that you find a profitable commercial use for any of these terms -- completely owned and incorporated by me, Dr. Jack Badofsky -- please make out a check to Mr. AbbaGav and he will see that the funds are forwarded to me somewhere deep in the forest. Thank you.